BPD Chronicles: living and learning
Five years ago, I embarked on an unexpected journey — one that unfolded with the revelation of a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) diagnosis. Little did I know that this moment would serve as the catalyst for a profound exploration of self, resilience, and the complexities of mental health. When I was first told I had Borderline Personality Disorder, the diagnosis felt like a roadmap written in an unfamiliar language, and to be honest, it still seems that way sometimes. Now, each day has become an opportunity to decipher its intricacies. As I grapple with the challenges BPD presents, from intense emotions to unpredictable mood swings, I am trying to find solace in the pursuit of understanding and the quest for coping strategies. This blog is a testament to the ongoing journey of self-discovery, a narrative of both hardships and triumphs, as I navigate the labyrinth of BPD and learn to build and sustain relationships amidst its unique challenges.
So what is Borderline Personality Disorder? Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a disorder of Dysregulation that significantly affects emotions, relationships, memories, and sense of self. BPD made up by Emotional Dysregulation (the core of BPD), as well as, interpersonal, identity, behavioral, and cognitive dysregulation. More specifically, BPD causes intense emotions that are difficult to control and manage (i.e. “Emotional Dysregulation”) including unreasonable Fear of Abandonment which is central to BPD.
When I was first diagnosed with BPD at the age of 21, I’m not going to lie, I didn’t believe my psychiatrist. I remember asking the question “are you sure?” and her response was a soft smile and nod. I remember crying. I couldn’t help it. Tears weld up and spilt over before I could stop it. I remember when she asked me why I was crying I couldn’t really give a straight answer. I think some of it was embarrassment, because of the stigma surrounding BPD diagnosis and maybe also a little bit of relief. I had been told that I have depression and anxiety — I was diagnosed with both of these before 18. But something about getting a new diagnosis felt overwhelmingly invited. I had always fought with the thought of wondering if something else was wrong. I actually felt like I was going crazy sometimes — and I don’t mean depression “feel like going crazy”, I mean I sincerely thought I needed to be put away or something bad would happen. Whenever I would try to be transparent with people about what was going on in my head, I was always hit with jokes like “Oh no, maybe you are a Schizo.” and so on and so forth. Which 1) there is literally nothing wrong with being diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I think if people had control over the problems with the communication between neurons in the brain, then no one would actively choose to be mentally ill. And 2) trying to be more transparent and open to only be hit with jokes fucking hurt and it just made me feel embarrassed and small. It still affects how I talk to people about mental illness.
I remember asking my psychiatrist at the time what my diagnosis meant. She asked if I knew what BPD was and I told her I only knew what people had said about it — which didn’t seem good. I felt like when people talked about BPD it was talked about in a malicious way and it painted people suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder in a bad light. When she explained it to me and told me how it affects me personally, I took a big sigh of relief and cried more. BPD is such a broad spectrum, but for me personally this is what it looks like: BPD is characterized by emotional instability. This doesn’t mean what most people think it means. It doesn’t mean you’re “unstable” as in you go out and kill people or whatever (as people would often joke about). It means what it literally says — that your emotions are not stable. As in, you will be happy now because you had a nice meal, and five minutes later, you’ll be afraid of dying alone and crying.
Many people with BPD hold themselves to impossible standards, which leads to self-loathing. For example, if a person with BPD slips and falls out on the street, they will think something like: “Oh my God, I fell in the middle of the street, everyone saw me, and they’re going to be thinking that I’m stupid. I am so terrible at everything! How do I expect to become a lawyer if I can’t even walk without falling? I am so stupid! Everyone hates me! I am worthless!” And this seemingly inconsequential event can destroy their resolve for the entire day, if not week. This self-loathing can also manifest as body dysmorphia, a disorder where your self-image is distorted to the point where you see your own body vastly differently than other people, which can lead to eating disorders. BPD is also characterized by impulsiveness. Impulsiveness is a fancy name for risk-taking behaviour. This can include self-harm, suicide ideation, promiscuity, unprotected sex, traveling alone to dangerous places, reckless driving and speeding, etc. — this is all stuff I personally struggle with, whether it be in the past or presently.
I would also like to shut down one of the biggest discriminations against people with BPD: People with BPD are NOT attention-seekers. In fact, many of them exhibit avoidant behaviour (It’s me, hi.), hating to be in the spotlight, because it makes them feel exposed. For me, this comes with the extreme fear of abandonment that some people may misinterpret as desire for attention, but it’s not the same thing. Attention-seeking behaviour is a characteristic of histrionic personality disorder, not borderline.
Ever since I can remember, I have always been called “too emotional” or “too sensitive” and let me just say — that shit affects you. I still, to this day, get told I’m too sensitive. Knowing now that how I feel things is completely fucking normal for me and my brain chemistry, is a huge relief. I still struggle grasping what’s reality and what’s in my head and it’s something I’m going to have to continue working on. I am currently searching for a psychiatrist in my area that I feel comfortable with, which is seemingly impossible as I currently live in the middle of nowhere and people here can’t seem to separate the fact that I’m gay from the fact that I am also a human struggling with something that they have the power to help me with, but choose not to. But, until I find someone I feel comfortable with, I will keep educating myself and try to educate others the best I can, because I know how lonely this shit can feel.
If you have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder — you are not alone. Please please please stay.
Until next time.
xoxo, Chaela ❤
